Working for a Living

As a man, there are certain things that I've learned over the years to never, ever, EVER say to a woman unless you, as said man, are willing to part with that one thing that, well, makes you a man. There's the oh-so-popular, "You sound just like your mother." Always a crowd-pleaser. Even better, try throwing out a sarcastic, "Okay, {insert her mother's name here}" during any heated discussion. Good times.

Certain situations also call for a certain amount of discretion. For example, while your wife is in her 11th hour of labor with your first child, NOT a good idea to start complaining about how sore your lower back is from standing on a hard, concrete floor without shoes on. I'm just saying. . .

And then there's THIS one. Now, THIS one has been around forever. I've heard men say it. I've even heard women say it. Until recently, however, I've never heard anyone say it to me. Here's how it went: we're planning a trip up north for next week, do a little fishing, hunting and some work on a friend's cabin. A Wednesday departure was mentioned for said trip, at which time friend #1 said to friend #2, "You're going in the middle of the week?," followed by friend #2 uttering, "Yeah. I took the time off and Jay doesn't work."

Now, in year's past, this comment was specially reserved for stay-at-home moms who not only frowned upon hearing it, but proceeded to tear you a new one for even implying that they spend their days lounging on the couch, eating bon-bons and keeping up with their "stories." With today's economy, and the general shift in societal norms however, there are more and more guys staying at home. And guess what, friend #2? We're getting a lot more done here than anyone does in an office setting. Don't believe me? Let's compare a typical Monday, office vs. home.

MONDAY AT THE OFFICE

9 (ish): Arrive at office.

9:10: Stand in line for weak, watered down coffee.

9:20: Arrive at desk. Turn computer on and attempt to log into email only to find your password
has expired.

9:20 - 9:45: Attempt to change password only to get locked out of system after five failed trys.

9:45 - 10:20: Call IT Department. Explain situation to someone sitting at a desk in India four
times before finally breaking through the accent barrier in order to get a "ticket"
issued. Your ticket number is 9876537819375658492761293856473M. Got it?

10:20-10:30: Bathroom.

10:30-11:00: Shuffle through papers while waiting for IT call.

11:00 - 11:10: Take IT call, change your password to something you'll remember. Except that you
can't use a password you've already used, it can't contain two of the same letters
and must use at least one numeral, one capital letter and two accent marks.

11:10-11:50: Computer's up! Check Fantasy Football scores, submit any trade requests and send
trash-talking emails to the guy you're currently beating by 32 points.

11:50 - 1:00: Lunch.

1:00-1:30: Print out the Sports Guy column from ESPN.com for afternoon lavatory visit.

1:30-2:30: One hour meeting to figure out a time to have the next meeting.

2:30-3:30: Work on reports, repairs or whatever else it is you're actually paid to do.

3:30-4:00: Work on latest "Employee Engagement" initiative from HR.

4:00-4:45: Answer any work-related emails now to avoid having to deal with them until
tomorrow.

4:45: Get a jump on rush hour.

MONDAY AT HOME

6:45 - 7:00: Yell at oldest son to hurry up and get in the shower.

7:00-7:45: Keep oldest son on task. Do your hair. Make and eat breakfast. Practice spelling.
Get all your stuff together. Get out the door. Have a good day. Phew. You think
dealing with IT guys first thing in the morning is tough? Try an 11-year-old boy.

7:45-8:00: Check email in hopes of someone needing some freelance writing. Someone?
Anyone?

8:00-8:45: Get kid #2 going for the day. Make his breakfast. Get him upstairs to brush his teeth.
Pick out an outfit. Make sure outfit is not put on backwards, inside out, upside down
or any other incorrect way an 8-year-old could possibly come up with.

8:45-9:00: Wait for bus.

9:00-2:00: Assuming there's no freelance work to get done (Someone? Anyone? Please?) it's
cleaning/errand time. Grocery shopping, run to the bank, do dishes, clean counters,
pick up 2,314 Pokemon action figures, feed the hogs, chop the wood. . . you get the
picture. Lot of stuff to get done.

2:00-3:00: Lunch (meaning workout. Run 4 miles. Every day. No exceptions. Ugh.)

3:00-4:00: Oldest home from school. Fight about doing homework. Fight about practicing
trumpet. Fight about fighting about everything. Exhausting.

4:00-4:30: Make dinner. And no, it's not microwaved, ordered out or delivered, thank you very
much. My motto is, "if it's something the kids will eat without complaining about it,
it's probably crap."

And there you have it. So now you decide, friend #2. Who's REALLY working here? Oh, and before you make your decision, you might want to ask your wife. Wouldn't want to say the wrong thing now, would we?