5 Stages of Staying at Home

They say there are only two certainties in life: Death & Taxes. Now, I'm not sure exactly who "they" are, but I do know this: "they" do NOT spend an inordinate amount of time doing the laundry of two boys because if "they" did, "they" would realize that in the world of a Stay-At-Home mom or dad, the third certainty in life is this: One Sock Will Disappear In Every Load of Laundry That You Do.

For a while, this phenomenon left me, well, perplexed to say the least. Couldn't figure it out. Couldn't even begin to grasp the concept. It's like having the Criss Angel of major appliances. Watch closely as I turn these 12 socks into . . . 11! MINDFREAK!

Now, however, after hundreds of loads of laundry, I've come to accept the fact that one sock is just never going to make it back home with the rest of the troops. That's acceptance. And it's all part of what I like to refer to as the Five Stages of Staying at Home.

Stage 1: Denial
At first, you refuse to believe that this whole stay-at-home thing is happening to you. You cannot accept the fact that two little boys can make your house look like it was hit by an F3 tornado. You refuse to recognize that a cat can shed enough fur in one day to make a whole second cat. You'll find yourself saying things like, "This can't be happening to me." Problem is, you'll be saying them to the TV. Truly sad.

Stage 2: Anger
Suddenly, you are no longer in control of your home. It's like handing Kanye West the microphone at an awards show. You try to keep everything rolling along but you know a train wreck is coming and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Thing is, you've always known this. It's just now become more obvious that your life is being dictated by two kids, two dogs and a cat all whining to be feed, to go outside, to be cleaned up after and, quite frankly, it's all got you a little cranky.

Stage 3: Bargaining
When all that anger seems to get you is a hoarse voice from yelling and a surprise visit from Social Services, it's time to start bargaining. You'll start small like "keep your room clean and we'll get sundaes from McDonalds." Eventually, and this is because bargaining with anyone under 28 years old never EVER works, you'll find yourself saying, "I will give you each one gajillion dollars if you'll just put your shoes away one time without me asking you to do it!"

Stage 4: Depression
No one ever listens to me, the laundry never ends and I think the dirty dishes are having even dirtier sex because they keep reproducing and I since I'm the only one here I KNOW I didn't used 16 plates to put my sad little bologna sandwich on when I attempted to choke down lunch. Alone. By myself. God, this sucks. I will now drive the Swiffer handle through my left eye.

And finally . . .

Stage 5: Acceptance
It's unavoidable. Socks are going to disappear. Dogs are going to throw up. Kids are going to leave dirt on every lightswitch in the house. You can finally succumb to the inevitable. You become less emotional, more calm. You realize, it's not a battle. No one's out to get you. It's just life, and you can now accept it and all that goes along with it.

But seriously. Where the hell does that stinking sock go?!?